Wayne Rooney and the Lost Face
A lot of comments have been made over the years about Wayne Rooney’s face but nobody has so far reported on his fear of losing it!
What am I talking about?
The recent story as it has been reported in the media so far, represents the typical stages of conflict escalation as seen in both domestic and commercial relationships. It’s already beginning to polarise into Wayne v Coleen and her family. Here’s WHY…..
Unless conflict is managed well in its early stages it can very QUICKLY ESCALATE out of control and friends and family offering help and support can in fact intensify the fall-out.
Escalation
Conflicts escalate rapidly through 3 KEY STAGES
1. Disagreement – there is an initial incident or event
Hardening - Before they have had a chance to have a face-to-face conversation, the people involved discuss the event and their feelings with friends and family and groups begin to form around each person
For Wayne and Coleen there is no shortage of people wanting to join the action and take sides.
2. Defence – conversations and statements focus on defending actions already taken rather than looking for solutions
Image and Loss of Face - the conflict ceases to be about the original issues and focuses more on gaining the upper hand and enlisting the support of others to enhance image and reputation
Maintaining image in the eyes of others becomes even more important and the aim of the conflict becomes to make the other person lose credibility or “face”.
For people who are constantly in the public eye, like Wayne and Coleen, image can become the most important factor and they very quickly lose sight of the original problem.
3. Destroy – the conflict descends into threats and counter-threats. The aim being to inflict more damage on ‘the enemy’ and to protect
Attacks then intensify and focus on destroying the other person and his or her basis of power
There have already been reports in the media of statements such as “If Colleen wants a divorce I’m not going to stop her” and ‘He is never, ever welcome in this house again” (from Colleen’s father)
Rapid Reactions
One of the difficulties in getting it right is that no matter what the original cause of the problem is, our brain perceives the resulting conflict as a THREAT and reacts accordingly.
Unable to distinguish between a physical and a social threat, the immediate response to conflict is often to do or say something INSTANTLY in response.
A testosterone-fuelled footballer may be particularly prone to a rapid and instinctive response but we are all primed to react in this way when provoked.
As soon as we have taken that step, we are faced with a DOUBLE WHAMMY. Now as well as defending our original position in relation to the problem, we also find ourselves defending the rash action or actions that we have taken in response. And so the downward spiral goes on.
Critical Steps
Here are 3 STEPS that could help Wayne and Coleen to avoid the spiral of destruction.
· Talk early – finding the time to sit down and talk before family, friends and media have started to take sides
· Solution focus – focussing on the problem and not the people is the best way to start. Accusing the other person of being mad or bad is the best way to accelerate the face-saving battle
· What’s important – start by discussing what matters most to each of you not what the other has done wrong. Focussing on needs, interests, fears and concerns and a vision for a better future
Someone to help
Finding a trusted friend or professional Conflict Coach to help facilitate the discussion can help to prevent flare-ups and walk-outs and keep the conversation on track and focussed on the 3 Critical Steps above
Saving Face
Most conflicts whether they are domestic 2 person quarrels or commercial multi-million pound deals end up being about saving face. Our instinctive reactions in the face of conflict are designed to help us survive and in today’s world that means maintaining image, brand and reputation.
Face-saving can be easy as long as we understand the dynamics of conflict and how to react to avoid the spiral of destruction. Then we can look for opportunities to turn the situation around and CREATE VALUE instead of loss and destruction
