June 2007

Reflections on Winning

The desire to succeed or to ‘win’ often dominates the thoughts, behaviour and actions of people in dispute.

For most of us winning means getting what we want, but determining what people really want is not as easy as it sounds. And what a party claims to want may be very different from what they actually need.

In a legal dispute, a party may claim a sum of money when what they really need is to be acknowledged and understood as a human being; to know that their feelings, beliefs and values, their perception of the situation is valid.

The money claimed is important but it may be less important than the values it represents.

Fear of failure is more about being unable to fulfil the expectations of ourselves and others and the impact that this has on our self image. It is a fear of losing face rather than a fear of not accomplishing the task or acquiring the object that we so wanted.

This is a conversation with Bobby a sixteen year old boy.

"What do you want Bobby?"

"I want a sports car" he proceeds to describe it right down to the colour of the seats and the sound system.

"Let's say you had that sports car, what would you get by having it?"

"Well I’d get more friends"

"Ah, I see what you really want is more friends. And if you had more friends Bobby, what would you get from that?

"Let’s see. Well, to tell the truth, if I had more friends………well what I’d really get is Natalie to like me"

"Ah, what you really want is Natalie to like you. So if you had Natalie liking you, what would you get from that?"

At this point Bobby turns red.

"Well Bobby, lets say you got that. What would you really get from that?"

"Well, if I got that, really had Natalie liking me, I guess what I’d get is….I’d get to feel OK. Like I'm somebody"

"So what you really want is to be somebody. If you were somebody, what would you get?"

Bobby wondered how long this was going to continue although at the same time he was very interested.

"I think what I’d get, if I were somebody, is I’d get to feel good about myself. That’s it. I’d start to really like myself and know that I was OK"

"So, what you really want, Bobby, is to know that you’re OK, to like yourself, to love yourself?"

Bobby nods

"Let me ask you this Bobby. If you had all this love for yourself, all this respect for yourself, what would you do with it all? Would you just sit there with it all, like a puffed up balloon?"

Bobby thought for a few seconds before replying.

"No, if I really loved myself, I’d be able to give it to others. I’d just share it with others. I’d just be happy and able to create happiness around me"

"Yes, what I want is to be loved and to give love to others"

(Excerpt from ‘The Magic of Conflict’ by Thomas F. Crum)

The outcome of this exploration is always similar; moving from something we WANT into knowing what we’re after is a quality outside of ourselves.

If only we could know and understand that human worth is not proportionate to human achievement. It simply cannot be measured in talent, position, age, wealth, role, belongings and trophies. It cannot be measured by power or status or by winning or losing whether in sport or in the commercial arena.

Because the value of human life is beyond measure. Every person is invaluable and deserves all possible respect and love – not for anything that he or she has achieved but simply by virtue of being human

The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams is a book that every one should read.

The rabbit, feeling a bit out of place and a bit unworthy, nonetheless yearned to be loved, not for what he could be or should have been, but rather for what he truly was. Children yearn for love and acceptance, and unfortunately we live in a world in which that acceptance and approval usually consists of things being bigger, stronger, better, prettier, faster, newer

The rabbit is not the 'best' toy in the boy's collection; he's not the most expensive, the best constructed, or the most interesting. But as the wise old Skin Horse knows, it isn't in the flashy paint and moving parts that true love grows. True love makes one real, and it takes a special being and a deliberate process to become real. 'It doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.'

Being real can hurt, but the rabbit in the process of becoming real barely notices that his velveteen fur is rubbing off, his tail is coming undone, his pink nose is worn and his whiskers are gone. He simply knows that he is loved just as he is. The book serves as an extended parable on how right relationships can overcome much adversity. (Amazon review by Kurt Messick)

'Winning' therefore is not always about attaining or acquiring what we want but about discovering what it is that we really need.

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